I'm sorry.

I'm sorry pillow, for all the tears I cried.

I'm sorry wall, for hitting you some many times.

I'm sorry wrists, for all the pain you've felt.

I'm sorry heart, for all the damage you've taken.

I'm sorry brain, for not listening.

I'm sorry friends, for talking about him so much.

I'm sorry time, for wasting you all on him.

I'm sorry family, for the depression I've caused.

I'm sorry medicine, for using you when I couldn't sleep because of him.

I'm sorry sorrow, for drowning myself away in you.

I'm sorry fingers, for messaging him so much,

Most of all, I'm sorry I ever cause it all.

It's back.

The heart break,

The feeling of being alone,

I feel it,

I am not dead,

I'm very much alive,

All I feel is depression,

Like my light has gone out,

And all around me is darkness,

It's so true I can taste it on my tongue,

It's bitter sweet,

The loving heart,

It's been broken,

I still love you with the pieces,

I have said this a million times,

But I wish you would love me, too.

Another broken heart.

I am so cold,

So alone,

I've never needed anything like you before,

But you just leave me alone in the darkness,

I can feel the frost bite nibbling on my toes,

My face stings from the bitter cold,

I'm wish there was a small fire,

Or even just a spark,

I feel like I'm just going to freeze to death,

I look around,

It's all still darkness,

I feel around,

I feel something colder than my heart,

It feels like a small gun,

A pistol maybe,

I feel for the trigger,

I just want to end the coldness of the air,

I put it to my head,

Count to 3...

1....

2.....

3.....

But no I can still feel the air,

I'm not dead,

I check the bullets,

And there are none,

I feel around again,

This time a small flashlight,

I turn it on,

All I see around me is trees

I walk a few steps and  fall,

I stand up,

And keep going,

I wake up.....

This is my sign to keep going and never give up.

A new broken world.

If the world is so beautiful,

Why are so many people in it broken?

Why do we cry so much?

Why is there so much heart break?

Where is all the joy gone to?

If I could take away all the tears

All the broken hearts

And all the destroyed lives,

I would

And I would turn them into smiling faces,

Loving hearts,

And beautiful souls,

But that's only if I could,

But I can't do a thing for the world,

It has a mind of its own,

So much hate,

So much love is gone,

Where did it all go to?

And how can we fix it?

My Perfect Disaster.

He is...

Beautiful,

Brilliant,

Gorgeous,

Amazing,

Great,

Trustworthy,

Loving,

Destructive,

Broken,

Impatient,

Peaceful,

Abusive,

Intelligent,

Different,

Insane,

And,

Perfect all at the same time,

He's my perfect disaster,

He's my shoulder to cry on,

He's my evertything,

When he's not here,

I'm nothing,

When he dies,

I'll be even more broken,

When he lies,

It only makes me worse,

If he hurts me,

It only makes me need him more,

I can't live without him,

And he still doesn't realize how much he hurts me,

I'm broken more than he'll ever know,

If anything ever happens to him,

I'll just become more of a depressed mess,

It would be if I just died inside,

I already feel like I'm nothing to him,

If only he knew...

I wouldn't be this way....

He's my perfect disaster. </3

This is from a broken heart.

"Dear Mom,

I know you never loved me. I know you didn't even care about me. I know that you wished I would die. So here I am with that pistol you always tried to hide from Bran. My life isn't worth suffering for, It's not even worth living anymore. Ever since Dad died and you got re-married, my life has just been a living hell. Others may not see it this way but I do. Bran never treats me right. I never told anyone about him abusing me. And I never told anyone about you abusing me. I just wish when you had that gun up to my that you would have just pulled the trigger. I know I'm not worth anything to you. I know I'm not worth anything to Bran either, if he did he wouldn't have abused me.  I might not be good in your eyes but I am in God's I am. You should have stop while you were ahead. Now the blood is on your hands. This is my final goodbye, I love you and God loves you, I'm going to see Jesus in heaven. 

Forever,

Austin."

It can only get better from here.

I want to give up so bad,

I want to just say heck with it,

But God says keep trying,

Keep going,

Don't give up,

I have never cried so hard in my life,

I am more depressed than I have ever been,

I'm losing hope in everything,

I can barely trust my best friend anymore,

I just need the strength if I have to be strong, 

I will not go down without a fight,

I will not turn away from my church family,

I will not give up,

I can't help but think,

What's going to happen next,

I don't know what will happen next,

All I can do is pray.

Behind These Blue Eyes.

Behind these blue eyes is a broken heart.

Many shed tears,

A lonely soul,

And a mind that is tired of dealing with it all,

There were many nights these blue eyes has cried themselves to sleep,

No hands to wipe away the tears,

Only praying for someone to look into them

And see all the heart break,

Which that never happened,

There are still nights they cried themselves to sleep,

Their soul is still lonely,

And their heart is still broken,

These blue eyes have not seen the end yet,

They still pray for someone to notice,

For someone to see,

Just how badly he has treated me.

I Only Wish...

I wish I could stop,

I wish I didn't love him,

I wish I had never met him, 

I wish I didn't feel this pain because of him, 

I wish it wasn't true,

But it is,

I honestly need you,

I wish I didn't have ears to hear his voice,

I wish I didn't have eyes to see his face,

I wish I didn't have a mouth to speak to him,

I wish I didn't have hands to hold him with,

But I do and it is impossibly to let him go from this point of my life, 

I need him more than I ever have, 

This is why I'm in this state of depression, 

Why does love have to hurt so much?

Don't look now ,gorgeous.

Up by my head,

My hand on the trigger,

Selfless bonds have been made,

My heart is beating fast,

All those memories,

I cock the gun,

And shoot,

All the love I never had is gone,

And I am free.

What he is and what he does.

He drives me insane with his beautiful face
Amazing smile
Gorgeous eyes
Perfect nose
And calming voice
He keeps every secret I've ever told him
He makes me happy every time he speaks to me 
And takes away my breathe with every look
He's funny, sweet and beautiful
I wish to spend everyday of the rest of my life with him
I can't spend a single second not thinking of him
It feels like a life time waiting on him to talk to me
Even though I haven't seen him since the beginning of the summer
He's been in my heart every time I've needed him
He gives me the strength I need to carry on
And I'd take a bullet to the head for him
I wouldn't even think twice about it
He makes me feel complete when it comes to me falling apart
And it kills me to know I'll never be good enough for him
And that he's found someone else that he loves
And that treats him terribly
I miss his love
Secrecy
And smile
And now I know I will never be happy without him
I won't say I couldn't live without him
Because I know I could but it would be the most depressing life ever
I wish I could show him how much I love him
That it would make him realize how depressed I am without him
I've tried living without your support
But i failed terribly
Every single night I broke down crying
Praying for you to realize
I know that you don't care
But sadly someone has to
That would be me
I can only be so strong
I've been told to move on and just forget about you
But I just can't
You're my everything
I love you with all my heart
This feeling will never go away</3

My last goodbye

I sit in this room, 

and I stare at the moon,

how long will this last?

I ask myself,

How long 'til it's in the past,

No one can help,

The walls are crashing in, 

I barely hear a yelp,

It's smashing my skin, 

This temporary break, 

and I shake,

I love the pain, 

but I still feel ashamed,

This is the perfect high,

also my last goodbye.

You're not there

The way you walk and the way you talk

it's nothing like I've seen before

We have been so far apart

how can we start

I can barley speak your name

It's amazing how you can feel this way

but I'm withering away day by day

you're all I need to make me free

every step and every breath

you steal my heart away

as we start to dance

love the way you're holding me

so close yet so far away

hearts all around me

now how long will it be before you leave me again

hugs and kisses mean nothing anymore

with the sour taste in my mouth

it comes out

plain as day

a single tear rolls down my face

alone i stand there

waiting for a whisper

that will never come..